this time of year conjures up all sorts of awful, horrible thoughts, and also makes me extraordinarily thankful that i am where i am right now and have made some very positive changes in the last 365 days.
for starters, there’s april. what would i have done had i not met her? god only knows. things were dark. much more dismal than i’d like to think. she was a beacon, and helped me correct a lot of wrongs i’d committed up to that point. it’s hard sometimes, nostalgia proved to be very a very difficult bag to carry in this relationship. there were still decomposing corpses in my closet. and clearing them out has taken some effort, but thankfully she has stuck by me throughout. she’s one tough broad, and will probably punch me in the throat for calling her that.
i’ve been dreaming a lot about my dad again. it’s different than last year; a lot of these dreams evolve around the idea that he is in fact still alive. he’s still mute, which has been the most frustrating recurring theme to these nocturnal hallucinations. i just want to hear his voice, his peculiar cadence and intonation. it’s a strange sensation; i can remember his cough, and his laugh, but not the sound of his voice. most of the dreams involve us sitting in his old buick regal, t-tops down, and he’s trying to speak but nothing comes out. it’s hard to commit this to page. i did not hear my father speak for the last two weeks of his life. and that’s haunted me ever since (and likely for the rest of my life).
i’m not as close to my immediate family as i once was, or really would like to be. i’m missing out on my nieces pre-teen-hood, i miss babysitting her and fighting over whether we were going to watch blues clues or dora the explorer. she was so close to dad. heather wasn’t around much, and only came to mom and dad when she needed a sitter. but elisha grew up hanging out with dad, and i hope to god she remembers him when she’s older. she truly was the apple of his eye; he adored her ferociously. it’s hard to think about my unborn child(ren) never getting to know him. he was so giving, and passionate, and those are qualities that without him i fear i will not be able to pass down.
mom’s doing her own thing. she’s dating again, and working (which she never did while i was growing up). she’s making mistakes, and hopefully learning from them, but i can’t be there to support some of her decisions. that’s a hard pill to swallow, too. she needs a friend right now, and i can’t be that to her. she has to figure things out on her own, and while i’m there to offer some advice and insight when she really needs it, i can’t be there for her 100%, 100% of the time. she needs to learn how to live without dad, to be self-sufficient and responsible without someone to catch her when she falls, it’s a harsh reality on both ends, but i suspect it affects me more than her. i can’t blame her for it though. she met my father when she was 16 years old and spent the subsequent 33 years with him. i can’t even fathom what that must be like. she’s rediscovering who she is without a safety net, and i give her infinite kudos for showing the strength she has thus far. i know she’ll never be the same person she was 10 years ago, and it would be selfish of me to push her towards that.
ultimately i realize that this will all soon pass. the anxiety of fall always slows down and eventually comes to a complete halt as the holidays draw closer. but for right now, for today, i am immersed in these memories, and for once i understand and embrace them. the seasons change. we grow. and i’m okay with that.
